Sunday, September 18, 2005
Favorite Hotel Sanibel Island
Now if you no longer know what I feel. I was quite sure of my feelings towards one and then the other but now no longer ... maybe I have no real feelings for any of them. Maybe it's love, nothing more. I'm not with the intention of falling in love, I do not feel up to nothing really. It stresses me think I need to be with any of them, for my son. I can not make a decision like that, and really did not want to be with anyone. I was giving him a chance to M, because they no longer had any intention Or never go back to. But that night .... That night I told Or maybe I will be with M, and was rare, and almost never set, because I used to have when they came out with another person, but only once before had put on so when I was going out with a physician. I think so because I knew was that M surpassed him in many things. He said "if you go with, because I have nothing for you 'and I said" is not so, but because between you and me does not work, I have tried and not working. " He got stupid, I got to mourn, so we spent a while until I decided to go (we were at home), but I stopped, and good ..... That day really made love as if it were to be the last time (I think it was the penultimate). And near the end he asked me that day was, I could not think in those circumstances and said that in 10. The were supposed to know that it was 10 because the last time had been 10. I also have known that. Maybe if we knew it, I can not remember. I do not think it was on purpose, but many times I had wanted to get pregnant and that I confess. The months that ended not in, I think it was because they did not trust me. But that day ended in, although it must have suspected that the calculations were wrong. I can not really be in your head, and I can assure you that you have been feeling the same as me. But then, when I wonder, when the term in, had to be seconds, not I'm saying I did it on purpose, but I want to get pregnant, and not only that, you want to get pregnant from it. Be possible that he also would have wanted me pregnant at the time? Be possible at that time was as a guarantee to stay together? or simply to have a tie? No! Because those are the things that I think now, because after that happened, I think we saw again, and as much as I wanted to return where I could not because the M turned me around and pulled me whether, and made me feel things makes sense that there was no fu. And Or actually just found me a couple of times and the rest was very fresh without me. But that day that blood was so concerned about the welfare of my baby, I realized that not only wanted to have a baby, but a baby that was in him, and why is special too ... in that desperation I found myself thinking things like "now that O will give me another?" He said he did not want to disappear and I really did not want to disappear from our lives. He is the father and I wanted it to be the father. But then where M enters, he is with me but I do not really know how much longer it'll be with me, according to the willing to stay, even give his name said, marry me even said, and it scares me because they have no idea, not even know what it is to be with intimately, and as I am now not sure if going to be, it scares me, really scares me sometimes want to run because maybe is too much for me. But at least it a good man, at least in theory would be a wise decision to be with him, while the O would be most unfortunate. And in the background scares me less than O because at least the issue is how it goes, we know much more, more or less what it would be. But I do not think it would be happy with it. This whole thing in general puts me wrong. I do not want to marry. And I really doubt I will be able to make happy either, because my mind is fully elsewhere. Thinking about my baby, that if it makes me happy there if it makes me want to push myself, and I see another echo where you see a heart beat, that's the only thing I really want, and because it is this which should help feeling so stressed out, try to be quiet.
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